I haven’t been writing recently, due to many things, but mainly it’s because I really only write when I feel God trying to teach me something, or if there’s a big revelation that has taken off some blinds. There has been this wall that felt to me like it was growing wider & wider, keeping me from something, anything that had life in it. I’ve been seeking this life, but it felt so distant, far away & unreachable. Things kept coming at me that would make me to feel it, cut to my core & make me uncomfortable in where I was…unsatisfied. Some of this unsatisfaction is a good thing, a good reminder that my life cannot be about me but about other people & helping others who can’t help themselves. Yet those twinges of sickness, about the depravity of abandoned children or sickened friends, came in highs & quickly would depart from my mind. This is something that I noticed, and it seems that if loving is a lifestyle, there shouldn’t be such drastic desires & then thoughts of nothing….right? Anyway, I’ve been really loose in my quiet times with God, really not making it a priority, though in my mind it really is….yet actions say more than my thoughts ever will. Once again, He has spoken to me through voices that surround me daily, friends who continually speak into my life….more than they may ever know. Also, a song has given me the words I’ve forgotten to sing.
It says “There’s a distance in the air and I cannot make it leave, I wave my arms’ round about me and blow with all my might. I cannot sense you close, though I know you’re always here, but the comfort of you near is what I long for. When I can’t feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same, when I can’t hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray. And I want you more than I want to live another day, and as I wait for you maybe I’m made more faithful.”
You see, I haven’t been faithful….to this amazing Father that has given me everlasting life & abundant joy, I have been the one to leave the way, to stray & forget that these relationships take lots of work. Even when I get busy, there’s gotta be time that is set apart to dwell in the goodness of Christ, his grace & peace. Without seeing Him all around, I lose vision, passion & direction. It’s like driving in the dark, without lights….how will you learn to drive, let alone get anywhere without looking for the light?
God, I need you now more than ever….Thank you for being the faithful God that you are, ever present & willing to hold me when I come back crying out for your mercy.