I don’t know what to do.
Tonight was another test. Just how much will I be given to hold? The rain keeps pouring over the tear streaked face, too wet to remember what it feels like without tears. The winds feel cold across my face, but I long for them, to feel something….anything. How much Lord, must I suffer… how many deaths must I endure? So many lives, full of hope, of courage, of grace & strength, suddenly taken away. I realize that they live…in a time that I do not understand, hidden beyond my sight behind your great hands. I understand this, and I yearn to join them. I yearn to not be separated anymore from the people who have gone before me. I hurt so much and ache for them.
I sit here, and what I want, I cannot have. What I don’t want, I have right now. The things that made me happy have come and gone. And the things that supposedly will make me happy again, I cannot see through the cloudy eyes of tears. There is a restless spirit within my ambiguous desires and sedentary day. What to do with myself, my life…my pain, and everything that is wrapped up within the three, forming a cord that seems to cut off life to my heart.
When oh Lord, will you come? When will you join with us again, joining us and the ones we love?
This last death, though a relationship not as prominent as my mother, has hit me low….it is so soon after my mother’s death, that I feel completely empty, void of anything, yet terribly in pain. There is too much sadness Lord, too much grief. What is your purpose, and why to us? Where will the pain end, and to what extent must it reach? I know there are no limits of your love, and you have limited death…for you will not be overcome by it. Yet how come I cannot always see the limits of death, or feel the limitless reach of your grasp? You need to touch me, to hold me, to comfort me, for I cannot live without your peace. Your grace is more than sufficient to hold the terrors that haunt me each day, but meet me now Lord, do not delay. For my heart wanes for you & aches with tremors.