I Cry

So nearing on one year ago, someone who had been very close to me decided to end their life.  Even now as I type this, the reality of this story ended is a hard one to swallow….and I don’t think I’ve really shared or written about it much here, but tonight something changed in my perspective and so I thought I’d share.

After the message I received that he was forever gone, only to be seen once we’re all joined in heaven, a song became the words that I heard him crying out in the last room he saw.  These are the words I could hear him crying out “Oh great God of power, I have lost my strength, this is my desperate hour, I’m calling out Your name. I cry are You out there tonight? Or am I all alone. This time it’s the fight of my life so I cry I can’t do this on my own….”

It made me sad to hear these words, to hear a cry like this and think of how he died without waiting to hear God’s answer, or God’s promise that indeed He was there, that He did hear, that He was fighting for his life.

Tonight as I listened to this song on my drive home, thinking of how I placed that into the unknown story of his last few hours, I realized that really….as I sang that song, it really was MY cry at that time.  None of us were there to know what he cried out, but as I cried alone and cried out to the Lord in my grief, this was MY prayer…..”Oh great God of power, I have lost my strength, this is my desperate hour, I’m calling out Your name. I cry are You out there tonight? Or am I all alone. This time it’s the fight of my life so I cry I can’t do this on my own….”.

And thankfully that is not where the song ends. It goes on to say “I am giving you control….God, I’m holding on to You. Lord, I’m holding on.” That night and the days & weeks to follow his death I was at a point of complete & utter brokenness.  It seemed that all around people were gripping to things that ultimately was leading to death, and even I myself didn’t know where else to turn….so in the empty space of my questioning, this is what I cried out to God.

It’s funny how God can work in these ways…speaking to you in the stillness, meeting you in the darkness, it constantly amazes me how He does that.  Here as I listened to this prayerful song and projected it into someone else’s story, I realized how much it was MY story, thinking of how I needed the Lord then, and now and always, and how I cannot do this on my own.  As independent and stubborn as I can be sometimes, I’m constantly reminded of the fact that there really is nothing to do or anywhere to turn without the help and sustenance of God to bring me or us through.  And when we fail to see that….when we can only see ourselves and start to believe that life is dependent on us, that is when we truly feel alone and hopeless.

Cry out to God tonight. He hears you. He is with you. He loves you and yearns to be known by you.

**Song “I Cry” is by Leeland, on the Great Awakening album. CHECK IT OUT!!!!!

One thought on “I Cry

  1. Anonymous says:

    So true, Alissa, so true. The value of listening and waiting to hear from God cannot be overstated. And so often, as in your story, He uses the cry of others to show us our own need and dependence on Him.
    Thanks for sharing.

    Like

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