Well thanks to Tenth Ave North for assuring me that my tear ducts do in fact work fine. I was beginning to worry. Tonight I found myself sitting alone in the stands hearing the words of the song “Worn” and just breaking inside. Three years ago, was the last time that my Mom breathed breath from this world. Three years ago, my Mom met Jesus. And three years ago on Good Friday we said good bye. I suspect that these memories might not be the worst that I’ll ever go through on this earth, but in my limited memory, it is by far the worst few days that I’ve had to go through. One cannot imagine the despair we all felt when they told us my mom had a month left….or the devastation when that “month” turned out to only be five days….almost five days.
The last real conversation I had with my Mom, she just just held me, and held me and held me. I wept. That was our conversation. We both watched out the window. I was laying beside her in the hospital bed, having just heard the last prognosis we would receive. We really didn’t talk much, just said how much we loved each other. I held her hand tight. I loved holding her hand. Even as an adult, driving to go get coffee, sometimes I would just reach over and grab her hand, squeeze it three times to tell her “I love you” and she’d smile and squeeze back once which meant “I love you too.”
This was my Mom. Simple and sincere. A lady of love. Always composed & confident. I never feared for anything when my Mom was there. She was a believer…in God and in family. She had a discerning heart. Compelled by grace she lived her life with open arms and seeking eyes, finding those people who needed a mom, sister, friend, or mentor. She prayed…fervently. She laughed…all the time. She explored…like there was nothing to fear. She lived…thankful for every moment & opportunity. She was more than I could have asked for in a Mom. She was satin & steel.
I miss her. So much. Somedays I wonder why God had to take her…she was SO wonderful, giving, gracious and loyal….why her? Why do we have to suffer the loss of such a dynamic person? How come her healing couldn’t happen here on earth but instead was brought about in Heaven? No one will have these answers, I don’t expect anyone to have them. But one answer I do have….is that even in these darkest places, even when I’m so worn that I don’t think I can make it another moment, even when I feel like my prayer wasn’t heard, I’m reminded that God is faithful….faithful to hear my cry, faithful to hold my weakness, faithful to guide me through teary blurred eyes, faithful to calm my tumultuous insides, faithful to speak peace over my racing mind, faithful to restore the brokenness, faithful to bring redemption.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed….” Isaiah 54:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Thank you for standing with me & my family through the last three years. It continues to be a daily struggle…..please keep holding us up in prayer. The Lord knows we don’t miss her any less today than three years ago. On one of her last nights home with us, we read the book “Love You Forever,” and from there I’ll leave this message, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, my Mommy you’ll be.”