The Trouble with Insignificance

Some days I just feel so insignificant. Like the people who I thought truly cared about me, really don’t and that on the scale of priorities for them, I’m definitely not close to the top. We will make plans, and then when they cancel due to a “miscommunication” the phrases “well, I really want to see this person….” are followed up by phrases like “but really, let’s just do whatever you want…”. The messages seem mixed…not seem, but ARE mixed. So you want to see me, and I can decide when and where we see each other, but really, you would rather see this other person at the time when I wanted to see you. Nice.

Here’s the problem.

As I have been pondering this dilemma, and the surge of hurt feelings that tide over my heart, Jesus says, don’t you say the same to me? How often do we hear God say, “I want to spend time with you, save me a bit today…” and we respond with “but this is the only chance I’ll have to do….” or “there’ll be time again later, right?” And what if there isn’t? With as much hurt and disappointment that I feel when people say things like this to me, how much more would Jesus when we say that to Him?

I just want to scream at these responses, and say….”don’t I matter at all to you?” or “is that how I rate?” or “okay well, I see where I stand”….and how does that relate with my relationship with God? If I truly mean “I’ll do whatever you want,” do I really mean that? Or am I just saying that to be nice; all the while knowing that I’m going to do what I darn well please the second I turn around?

This confounds me.  Knowing I’m guilty of doing this to God is as frustrating as having it done to me, but worse because now I have no ground to really be upset with the person saying it to my face. :/

What to do, what to do….

Lord, I apologize for responding to you in ways that would make you seem insignificant. There is no excuse. You want my time and my life, and I’ve given it to you, but some days I act hesitant and selfish. I’m sorry. You are significant and important to me, and You see significance in me too. Help me to remember that when I’m feeling beat up or unimportant. Help me to remember your forgiveness when I don’t want to forgive others. Give me strength to listen to You and respond when you call to me. Thank you once again. Your daughter–A.

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