Questions or Statements

So many people have been speaking to me, and telling me…”I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say, and don’t worry….I won’t be the millionth person to ask how you are.” Well, I want to give you permission to ask.

The simple truth is…in my attempt to be honest with myself & with those around me, I fail in offering up much information about how I feel or what I struggle with.  However, if someone directly asks me not just how I feel, but how do I feel about: ______ or what will I miss about:______ or how will:______ impact the ____ part of your life? Those questions are all good, normal & welcomed.

In this shock and awe of grief, my mind is not actively thinking about how my life is changing, has changed or will change. I’m just trying to simply survive from one second to the next. Laying one foot down in front of the other. Drive one more mile without crying.

I’ll tell you this too….don’t be afraid to ask me about things, because if I don’t want to talk about it, I’ll tell you. I’m becoming better at saying “no thanks” when things come to me that I don’t want to share….so I’ll let you know if I can’t talk about what you’re wanting to know, and I won’t be mad that you asked, okay?

Alright, now that all that is on the table, I hope you feel a little more comfortable talking to me, and I hope you’ll take advantage of my openness.

Conflicts and Fear

So last night, while speaking with some close friends, someone asked me…how is it you can go through such crap & hard things, and still be so happy?  My answer? “Because I’m a really great faker.” Don’t think that’s much of an answer? Well…..neither did I once it was out of my mouth.

Since I was in HS, honestly probably before that though, I’ve been the “tough girl” who doesn’t let things get to her. And it’s not that I really AM that tough, it’s just that I don’t want to face those things. Tonight, I was at a youth retreat, and after saying yes to leading part of a game……I said….I can’t handle it. I don’t want to do that. (I’m learning to say no when I need to and tonight I needed to say no.)  Instead, I somewhat reluctantly grabbed my Bible, hid myself away in someone’s room & read. I searched for all the places that God told us about his peace, and how he would hold us together & allow us to have rest in Him. Here’s some of what I found: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) “Let us therefore make every effort to enter that rest…..” (Hebrews 4:8-11) “Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink;….” (Psalm 69:14)

These are all things that were going on in my heart tonight, and as we studied together later, about how God wants to open our doors if we LISTEN to Him and then wants us to OBEY Him, I wondered about what it was that He wanted me to open up with.  My answer?  Fear.  He wanted me to open up about the fear that was residing inside, holding my outside captive, never letting me truly express what was going on.  It was interesting, because it was like God was saying….I can’t heal that if you’re not admitting it’s there.  So I admitted it was there. And then the next thing, was….how do I obey God in this area?  What am I supposed to do about it?

One of the other verses I found spoke to that…Psalm 62:5,6 and 8 says “Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken…. Trust in Him at all times, O people; POUR OUT YOUR HEARTS TO HIM, for God is our refuge.” Then you know, there are those many other verses that say do not fear….well, it felt like God was telling me….”don’t fear or worry….but if you do, tell someone. Tell ME.”
The other thing, was I avoid conflict (I’m growing in this though) ….and most times I think about that in relation to others. But tonight, I realized that I’m avoiding the conflict within myself, about the fear that I am (was) unwilling to face.  Fear about my mom, my family, my future, relationships, what God’s “to-do-list” is for me, etc.  So the conflict wasn’t with other people, but it was a conflict that I’m fighting with myself.  (which is interesting b/c a year ago, in a class, the question was posed “what is the biggest hindrance to you growing with God and I answered “myself”)  Hm.

So….it’s been a good night.  I cried. I think the last time I cried was in December….and before that one day in October. I do not cry.  But I want to, because it’s an outward expression of the deep fear that is in me, and I need to express that not just to others, not just to God, but also to myself.  ….”The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take delight in you, HE WILL QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

And now….I’m going to be quiet.

H0n35ty

This morning I was challenged that I need to be honest with my emotions. Both honest to myself and to those around me, so here I go.

I’m really in a lot of pain…..and I almost feel guilty for always having sad things to talk about. I’m trying to focus on you (friends) so that I can have something else to think about or feel….but I do realize that sometimes I might get “me” focused, and I’m sorry. I do ALSO realize that there is a time for that, where I need to focus on healing & working through all the stuff that has been happening around me.

Most days, I really don’t want to hang out with anyone….because I just have to explain again what happened. And I need to, want to….kinda, but not all the time. So if I seem to not be calling for a while, know that it’s nothing against YOU, it’s more me. That said, I really do NEED to hang out & do some fun things where I don’t have to think about my pain. I need to see that there is life beyond this current state. Coerce me, bribe me, kidnap me, whatever you have to do to not let me just waste away….ask me more than once….I’ll probably cave in. 😉 If I don’t, then just pray for me.

Here are some of the thoughts that were given me today: “When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away,” says Anne Graham Lotz. “I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don’t forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance.”

God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that “the truth will set you free.”

Love you.