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How is it that people can make you cry so much? Songs conjure up so many sorrows & truths, breath & life….Ah, I just can’t stand it. Today was a “great” day, on many counts. I sifted through 2 month old mail, read another few chapters in my current book, briefed myself on the news, cleaned my apartment & was in my pj’s until 3pm. Although, it was just a lonely day. There was something hitting me today, that just wouldn’t shrug off. Even though the thought of actually seeing or being with another person made me shudder, all I really wanted to do was just sit with someone. Feel their arm around my shoulder & know that I could cry & cry without judgment. Then there in the car tonight, listening to deafening music, one of my past favorite songs came on and as I’m singing the lyrics, the chorus came on & I burst into tears, realizing what I was singing…..”not alone, no we’re not alone now, honey. we’ll make it home ’cause we’re not alone.” As I cried out the words, I realized that was God’s little reminder that as lonely as I felt today, He was there with me…the whole day, not just then, but I didn’t realize it until I was in the car.

How long o’Lord, must we wait, how long until you calm our spirits, until we meet you face to face & you dry our every tear? Why can it not be today? Why can it not be right now? I long for you, search for you & hold fast to your promise. ….

"Sideways"

You know it ain’t easy, For these thoughts here to leave me
There’s no words to describe it, In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade, And flowers they bloom, And I’m telling you

These feelings won’t go away, They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
They’ve been knockin’ me out lately, Whenever you come around me

These feelings won’t go away, They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, Time will take them away
But these feelings won’t go away

Check out the music & (not great) video… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8cMy-Jmoso

Black & Blu but NEW

We’ve all seen way too much
But we can’t look away from the sun
A silhouette was burned in our minds
It’s gonna take so much time
To forget what we’ve seen, who we met, where we been

So thinking about the past year, the good the bad, the ugly & yet awkwardly beautiful, these lyrics describe it greatly. They talk about how we all get beat up & bruised, and that it’s going to take a lot to get all the pain & “stuff” off of our lives.

Starting this year fresh, hopefully it will be a year of….who knows what. Hopefully nothing like this year, but yet hopefully a lot of growing too, learning & adventure!

There will always be time to lick my wounds, put steak on my eye & cry more….but there will not always be time to live here, with you & share how God has blessed me. Help me in my prayer that whatever happens this year, that we will have confidence in Christ’s direction & will for our lives. That He will be glorified in what we do & that if we are asked to take a new step forward….that we will.

I know…

“I do not know what lies ahead, the way I cannot see; Yet One stands near to be my guide, He’ll show the way to me. I do not know how many days of life are mine to spend; But One who knows and cares for me will keep me to the end. I do not know the course ahead, what joys and griefs are there; But One is near who fully knows, I’ll trust his loving care.

“I know who holds the future and I know He holds my hand. With God things don’t just happen, everything by Him is planned; So as I face tomorrow with it’s problems large and small, I’ll trust the God of miracles, give to Him my all.”

This is a song by Alfred B. Smith and E. C. titled “I Know Who Holds the Future,” which I just found tonight while playing old old “Singspiration” music on the piano. The words & truth behind those words brought me comfort & I thought I might share that with you.

“This week has brought me down a path of darkness & decay. But lately I’ve been feeling that it might just go away. This evening I laughed, I cried & I prayed, all for different things. And then I thought a simple minded joyful heart also prays & sings! The joy tonight I feel inside, deep deep within. And laughter fills my every thought, knowing I’m cleansed of sin.” —me.

TEAR5

This weekend was very trying on me. Saturday evening I took part in a Novembering service at Church of the Open Door. It was beautiful, every part…we lit candles, sang beautiful songs, remembered those who we have lost & grieved with each other as we sat & wept. Maybe not everyone wept, but I sure did. I slept deep that night & woke up crying. Not a hard cry, but just a solemn finality of life cry. Sunday morning I listened as my dad preached on suffering & hope. I did not want to hear about hope…don’t get me wrong, that’s the ONLY thing getting me through each day, but I didn’t want to hear it. I cried the ENTIRE service…from the first songs through the last prayer & beyond. I just would not hold myself back, which I know I should not do, but wow did I hurt. Now, as I write this, my eyes are refilling themselves with tears.

There are many reasons why I write to you my thoughts, emotions, feelings & frustrations. I want to be honest. I desire to share, yet am sometimes unwilling to vocalize. I yearn to heal. I need encouragement. I remind myself that “yes, there are things to hope for & people who care.” I pray that through my honesty & openness that you are able to be encouraged.

This morning, I was encouraged. An email I received referenced a verse I have never read (or at least didn’t remember). While the truth is something I hold onto with white knuckles, sometimes I forget. The verse was Malachi 3:6a, “I the LORD do not change.” Such confidence I can have here, and so can you…. It is interesting. The title “lord” means (in my terms) ruler over my life and death. And so I see that amidst the changes of both life and death, our LORD does not change. He is the same yesterday, today & forever.

My prayer for you & for me, is that together, while we seek out what our futures look like, and how our pasts influence how we grow into our future, that we would bind together as friends, brothers, sisters, encouragers, rejoicers & mourners….that we would come along side each other in prayer & support as we approach God in our weakness. In our brokenness, that we would share with each other realizing our inability as humans to recover from this alone. To see that God has given us each other to lean on while we are walking this earth together.

Here’s a song that touched me this weekend. It’s called “I will Rise” by Chris Tomlin.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg