Another test…

I don’t know what to do.

Tonight was another test. Just how much will I be given to hold? The rain keeps pouring over the tear streaked face, too wet to remember what it feels like without tears.  The winds feel cold across my face, but I long for them, to feel something….anything.  How much Lord, must I suffer… how many deaths must I endure?  So many lives, full of hope, of courage, of grace & strength, suddenly taken away.  I realize that they live…in a time that I do not understand, hidden beyond my sight behind your great hands.  I understand this, and I yearn to join them.  I yearn to not be separated anymore from the people who have gone before me.  I hurt so much and ache for them. 
I sit here, and what I want, I cannot have. What I don’t want, I have right now.  The things that made me happy have come and gone. And the things that supposedly will make me happy again, I cannot see through the cloudy eyes of tears. There is a restless spirit within my ambiguous desires and sedentary day. What to do with myself, my life…my pain, and everything that is wrapped up within the three, forming a cord that seems to cut off life to my heart.

When oh Lord, will you come?  When will you join with us again, joining us and the ones we love? 

This last death, though a relationship not as prominent as my mother, has hit me low….it is so soon after my mother’s death,  that I feel completely empty, void of anything, yet terribly in pain.  There is too much sadness Lord, too much grief. What is your purpose, and why to us? Where will the pain end, and to what extent must it reach?  I know there are no limits of your love, and you have limited death…for you will not be overcome by it.  Yet how come I cannot always see the limits of death, or feel the limitless reach of your grasp?  You need to touch me, to hold me, to comfort me, for I cannot live without your peace. Your grace is more than sufficient to hold the terrors that haunt me each day, but meet me now Lord, do not delay.  For my heart wanes for you & aches with tremors.

There has never….

Today the air seems heavy, my limbs feel weighted, one of my fingers has an insatiable twitching….I want to cry every time that I turn around the corner. I don’t know what it is about today….I have shivers on the inside and yet I want to stand or run out in the cold rain.  There are no real words to describe….I can’t tell you what would make me feel better. Doubtful if anything would.

There has never been a time in my life that I have not talked with my mother for more than two weeks. It has now been almost three weeks to the day that I last spoke to her. It wasn’t much…we talked about what was happening, we talked about how she felt and how she didn’t want to lose me. We talked about my new website I wanted to make, and how I had found a name I really liked…not for my site, but in general. The name was Lucile Ann.  I told her I liked that name because it was her middle name & my grandma’s first name. She told me before I left that day, that she really liked that name, but that I should put an “e” on Anne.

I remember playing piano, her playing music me playing notes. Somehow we always made music together and it sounded beautiful, our mixing of melodies. I remember gardening, weeding, and planting. I remember her stories that snap dragons would bite my fingers off if I got too close….I kept away because she was always truthful. I remember putting our fingers in the water, to feel the coolness & stirring of the unseen tremors of the water.

My joints ache with the pain of an unexpressed sorrow. The anticipation of days ahead leave me with urges to close my eyes and to not think, to not breath, to not imagine. And how can you imagine, when the future is so unclear, and unknown, indiscernible? I breathe. Once, twice, again & again. Waiting & hoping for relief.

indescribable

It’s unexplainable, and indescribable what my hollow body feels right now.  In the last few days, hours & moments, there is a need I have to repeatedly put my hand over my heart, to remind myself that I am alive. My heart that is feeling so much is yet completely numb and stilled with life.

What more can I say when my mother, my beloved mother who was and is my world, has disappeared before my eyes?  My heart beats to a song that no longer plays.  In almost every memory I recalled this weekend, her influence or presence was in each one….and I did not want to share those memories…I almost wished that I had memories that were apart from her…and yet there are none. We did everything together, and if we were not together we shared everything with each other.  This constant communication will be the hardest to get used to.  Unexplainably, the last few mornings, as I awake from an unrestful rest, my arms are wrapped tight around my soul, and it feels as though someone else is holding me…like my mother, from somewhere, is holding me and comforting me as I awake to the bitterly silent home.

Although I feel I want to write everything I’m thinking out now….I will withhold some, and will be continuing this walk with grief once again.  If you are reading this, and have memories of my mother, I would love to hear them. Please write.

Someplace to Run to

You know, some days, I just wish that I had someplace to run to.  A destination of sorts, that would protect me from all the bad in the world. From all the disappointment, pain and heartache. In the past, there were these cities of refuge….they were mainly for murderers seeking ….refuge…duh. However…I wish that there were those today. Where only good things happened, you know?

It would be like….the ideal world in “Where the Wild Things Are”…where only what you want to have happen, happens.  I know it sounds crazy, but it would be nice, wouldn’t it? If you could escape for a time to just not worry about anything or anyone?

Hm.  I have to remind myself that God is like our “city of refuge”…..with the ability to let us just rest and be comforted. He brings us peace.  Someone guilty, that wanted refuge, had to put forth effort to get to the city of refuge…..and in some ways we have to take that step to seek comfort in Christ but…He also knows when we are hurting and can come to us  in that pain.  “I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” (Psalm 40:1-2)

It is so difficult to keep standing…..when so many things feel like their crashing around you.  Sickness, disappointment, doors closing, etc.  It’s difficult to keep running this race….I just need to remind myself that I can. And when I get to a place where I can’t, then Christ himself will take over.

I just wish some days that he’d be quicker about that!

Exhausted

I’m tired. Seriously. Tired. Some days, no matter what the day is like, it’s like….I have unexplainable energy, pushing me onwards, into new undiscovered depths of the universe…(please read that in a sci-fi narrator voice)…and other days, though I feel the Lord in me & around me, I just am tired. That’s what I get so thankful in knowing that I don’t have to do this life alone. I don’t have to worry alone, or really at all. I can leave things in His hands & know that what will be will be. It’s draining to have so many things come at you….and to keep going. Not pretending your okay, but knowing deep down that you WILL be…it’s just a matter of choosing that, and trusting that God will work things out.

I’m a planner. If you know me well, or at all, you know this to be absolutely true. I like to know what is going to happen, how, why & when…I’m also quite spontaneous & like things that are, yet most of the time my default is: planner. When things surprise me,…my first reaction is always to…okay, well let’s keep going as is, and deal with the real problem later, when we know more definitives. It’s been my way of dealing since I was little. I quite specifically remember a time that my dad accidentally killed….squashed….my cat. I was 3. When he told me very quietly that Snickers was dead, I jumped up with a big smile on my face & said…”I have to tell my friends & show them!” I ran over to my neighbor’s house, pulled my friends away from whatever they were doing, brought them over to ground zero & pointed so proudly. I said “Look! My cat’s…..” and with a quivering lip I couldn’t finish the sentence. It hit me then that it was real, not just something that happened, but something final.

Looking over other events in my life where I’ve been hit with scary or tough news, I’ve done the same thing. I go about my business because I know, I KNOW that there’s nothing really in my power to do but to live, and keep on living. But it gets to be tiring…just going about life, not knowing, and trying not to worry. Keeping my face turning up towards God, with all my questions & requests, Trying my best not to fall into a gap of hopelessness, but keeping my faith & strength about me. When I am tired, He will sustain me. When I need rest, He will take over.