Exhausted

I’m tired. Seriously. Tired. Some days, no matter what the day is like, it’s like….I have unexplainable energy, pushing me onwards, into new undiscovered depths of the universe…(please read that in a sci-fi narrator voice)…and other days, though I feel the Lord in me & around me, I just am tired. That’s what I get so thankful in knowing that I don’t have to do this life alone. I don’t have to worry alone, or really at all. I can leave things in His hands & know that what will be will be. It’s draining to have so many things come at you….and to keep going. Not pretending your okay, but knowing deep down that you WILL be…it’s just a matter of choosing that, and trusting that God will work things out.

I’m a planner. If you know me well, or at all, you know this to be absolutely true. I like to know what is going to happen, how, why & when…I’m also quite spontaneous & like things that are, yet most of the time my default is: planner. When things surprise me,…my first reaction is always to…okay, well let’s keep going as is, and deal with the real problem later, when we know more definitives. It’s been my way of dealing since I was little. I quite specifically remember a time that my dad accidentally killed….squashed….my cat. I was 3. When he told me very quietly that Snickers was dead, I jumped up with a big smile on my face & said…”I have to tell my friends & show them!” I ran over to my neighbor’s house, pulled my friends away from whatever they were doing, brought them over to ground zero & pointed so proudly. I said “Look! My cat’s…..” and with a quivering lip I couldn’t finish the sentence. It hit me then that it was real, not just something that happened, but something final.

Looking over other events in my life where I’ve been hit with scary or tough news, I’ve done the same thing. I go about my business because I know, I KNOW that there’s nothing really in my power to do but to live, and keep on living. But it gets to be tiring…just going about life, not knowing, and trying not to worry. Keeping my face turning up towards God, with all my questions & requests, Trying my best not to fall into a gap of hopelessness, but keeping my faith & strength about me. When I am tired, He will sustain me. When I need rest, He will take over.

Nothing to Say—

Do you ever have so much to say that you don’t say anything? Can’t say anything? Would rather shut up than say what you’d like to?

Are the thoughts so vivid & alarming that you shock yourself…or you think that no one would really understand? And you wonder if God is preparing you for yet one more thing while crying because you think that your last weekends memories were just that…preparing you for what happened yesterday?

Since I really have “nothing” to say….at least not here anyway (I just need some deep conversations with God right now)…I’ll give you some verses that I’ve been thinking on.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love & good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another –and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:23-25)

“Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult & persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.” (Hebrews 10:32-35)

This is the hope I hold onto. This is something I know to be true & evident in my life and in those around me. Let’s encourage one another, though we suffer….let us remember Who Christ is…that is our hope.

Perspective through Prisms

On the road tonight, I was going back over my day. I was thinking about all my conversations, the interactions I had & the feelings I got from people. One conversation stuck out to me. We were talking about how some people aren’t really who they have been or who they really are…trying to find that again.

Well, I pondered this as I drove. Because I feel like I am currently not who I am normally…which got me thinking further…is the person I was, supposed to be the same as who I will be? If the person I am now, is not the same as last year, should the person I was last year be my goal? I don’t think so….I hope actually that I am in some ways completely different than the person I was last year. So many things have happened, that it would be a shame if it didn’t change the person I was into the person I should be. And we all know transition is odd & awkward….maybe that’s why I don’t feel like myself: it’s because I’m turning into someone else…not necessarily a worse someone, but someone different. And because I don’t know who that will be, it feels frightening. BUT….here’s the positive thought that came through.

Light, when it comes through glass, makes a new, condensed light. Put a few different pieces of glass in front of a light & it will make a few different lights. Okay, stay with me…this will get cool. Imagine that you are like a light, the sun perhaps, that will shine until the end. Now imagine that trials are like glass. They’re hard & you have to somehow make it through. Imagine a prism….there’s lots of facets, lots of hard things to go through…twists & turns that you can’t always see but they’re there none the less. When your light goes through it, does it come out the same or unchanged? Absolutely not. It comes out better….brighter, colorful & magnificent. Without the obstacle of a prism in the light’s way, you would never know how many colors you light held. And think of how prisms make light dance. Rainbows shine all over a room, just like the people you’ll touch when you go through these “prisms”. If you didn’t have that to change you, you’d only shine in one spot….but because of the facets, you can shine to many many many people & show a brighter picture.

My life is changing & shining through a prism. It has to go through something before the new beauty can shine! I’m waiting…..trying to find my way, but can you imagine with me? If your life is going through a prism, what will you look like on the other side?

H0n35ty

This morning I was challenged that I need to be honest with my emotions. Both honest to myself and to those around me, so here I go.

I’m really in a lot of pain…..and I almost feel guilty for always having sad things to talk about. I’m trying to focus on you (friends) so that I can have something else to think about or feel….but I do realize that sometimes I might get “me” focused, and I’m sorry. I do ALSO realize that there is a time for that, where I need to focus on healing & working through all the stuff that has been happening around me.

Most days, I really don’t want to hang out with anyone….because I just have to explain again what happened. And I need to, want to….kinda, but not all the time. So if I seem to not be calling for a while, know that it’s nothing against YOU, it’s more me. That said, I really do NEED to hang out & do some fun things where I don’t have to think about my pain. I need to see that there is life beyond this current state. Coerce me, bribe me, kidnap me, whatever you have to do to not let me just waste away….ask me more than once….I’ll probably cave in. 😉 If I don’t, then just pray for me.

Here are some of the thoughts that were given me today: “When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away,” says Anne Graham Lotz. “I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don’t forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance.”

God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that “the truth will set you free.”

Love you.

One More Day

Life, as strange & bitter as it is, never ceases to surprise me with new & harsh feelings. The cruel end of world, life & death, beginnings & the end….they shock & rattle the depths of my soul. Searching for the light that guides me, the peace that only Christ can provide, the joy that is my hope, the comfort that I can only sometimes feel….God is here, in a new perspective. While I grieve, and cry, yearn & ache…..He watches me. The Lord is my hope; He is my strength when I have none. I am confident & comforted in knowing that when I do not understand the emotions of my heart or the ache of my heart, or how I am supposed to go on, He knows the depth of my soul. Christ has met me there; He is there right now, in my future, in our future….. Pain and life consume every waking movement, each moment that I am here. Knowing that there is a future for me, He is the one who gives purpose, who calls us each to our own end. Though the pain is present, the hope is healing. I’m trying not to be overrun by the grief, but encouraged to live my life in a new way, a better way, a more vibrant way….a way that Christ would ask from me. A life that will give, love, share, encourage, rejoice & LIVE to the fullest extent of Christ’s love as humanly possible.