Category: Grief

a story of hers

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I had a brief thought today, a sweet one, of my grandma & I talking. She was talking, and suddenly stood up & rushed into her room. She returned promptly with a pile of loose papers. Some notebook sheets & some plain white. On it were scribbles, paragraphs, crossed out sections, arrows & lots of exclamation points and parenthesis. My grandma held it out to me, and sat down. She said “I’ve started my story for you….” She always knew just what I would love. So many days, we would sit together at her table, drinking Russian tea & buttering rhubarb bread, or eating chocolate chip zuchini cake, and talking…..talking about everything that would pass through our minds. (And being Dutch women, it could get pretty random.) She would tell me stories about when she was young, and growing up. Stories about the farm, and the men who would milk the cows. I’d ask her about cooking, or how to fix something. When I would get stuck with a recipe, I’d call my grandma first. I guess I figured I knew my mom would know the answer, but why not go straight to HER source?

Anyway, one day I remember talking with my grandma & asking her if she would write some of her stories down. She modestly told me that she didn’t have anything interesting to say. I just laughed. Of course she had interesting things to say…she was my grandma! Needless to say, when she brought out that stack of papers of her stories & memories, I was touched…more than touched. I felt love. She was so wonderful. Always thinking of other people…and I was her favorite, so of course she’s do that for me. (That’s a joke in my family,….i’m not just conceited.) Those pages, her history & thoughts, the way she would explain what things were….gentle yet so matter of fact.

I’m reading a book now, called “For one more day” by Mitch Albom, and for a second, I thought….if I could have one more day with someone, it’d definitely be my grandma. I miss her incredibly. I wouldn’t want to do anything extreme, just take off my shoes & sit indian style on her blue kitchen chairs. Pull up a cup of tea & listen. I could listen to her tell me stories for days. Her facial expressions were one in a million. Oh for one more day. Just one.

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How is it that people can make you cry so much? Songs conjure up so many sorrows & truths, breath & life….Ah, I just can’t stand it. Today was a “great” day, on many counts. I sifted through 2 month old mail, read another few chapters in my current book, briefed myself on the news, cleaned my apartment & was in my pj’s until 3pm. Although, it was just a lonely day. There was something hitting me today, that just wouldn’t shrug off. Even though the thought of actually seeing or being with another person made me shudder, all I really wanted to do was just sit with someone. Feel their arm around my shoulder & know that I could cry & cry without judgment. Then there in the car tonight, listening to deafening music, one of my past favorite songs came on and as I’m singing the lyrics, the chorus came on & I burst into tears, realizing what I was singing…..”not alone, no we’re not alone now, honey. we’ll make it home ’cause we’re not alone.” As I cried out the words, I realized that was God’s little reminder that as lonely as I felt today, He was there with me…the whole day, not just then, but I didn’t realize it until I was in the car.

How long o’Lord, must we wait, how long until you calm our spirits, until we meet you face to face & you dry our every tear? Why can it not be today? Why can it not be right now? I long for you, search for you & hold fast to your promise. ….

"Sideways"

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You know it ain’t easy, For these thoughts here to leave me
There’s no words to describe it, In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade, And flowers they bloom, And I’m telling you

These feelings won’t go away, They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
They’ve been knockin’ me out lately, Whenever you come around me

These feelings won’t go away, They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, Time will take them away
But these feelings won’t go away

Check out the music & (not great) video… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8cMy-Jmoso

TEAR5

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This weekend was very trying on me. Saturday evening I took part in a Novembering service at Church of the Open Door. It was beautiful, every part…we lit candles, sang beautiful songs, remembered those who we have lost & grieved with each other as we sat & wept. Maybe not everyone wept, but I sure did. I slept deep that night & woke up crying. Not a hard cry, but just a solemn finality of life cry. Sunday morning I listened as my dad preached on suffering & hope. I did not want to hear about hope…don’t get me wrong, that’s the ONLY thing getting me through each day, but I didn’t want to hear it. I cried the ENTIRE service…from the first songs through the last prayer & beyond. I just would not hold myself back, which I know I should not do, but wow did I hurt. Now, as I write this, my eyes are refilling themselves with tears.

There are many reasons why I write to you my thoughts, emotions, feelings & frustrations. I want to be honest. I desire to share, yet am sometimes unwilling to vocalize. I yearn to heal. I need encouragement. I remind myself that “yes, there are things to hope for & people who care.” I pray that through my honesty & openness that you are able to be encouraged.

This morning, I was encouraged. An email I received referenced a verse I have never read (or at least didn’t remember). While the truth is something I hold onto with white knuckles, sometimes I forget. The verse was Malachi 3:6a, “I the LORD do not change.” Such confidence I can have here, and so can you…. It is interesting. The title “lord” means (in my terms) ruler over my life and death. And so I see that amidst the changes of both life and death, our LORD does not change. He is the same yesterday, today & forever.

My prayer for you & for me, is that together, while we seek out what our futures look like, and how our pasts influence how we grow into our future, that we would bind together as friends, brothers, sisters, encouragers, rejoicers & mourners….that we would come along side each other in prayer & support as we approach God in our weakness. In our brokenness, that we would share with each other realizing our inability as humans to recover from this alone. To see that God has given us each other to lean on while we are walking this earth together.

Here’s a song that touched me this weekend. It’s called “I will Rise” by Chris Tomlin.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg

H0n35ty

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This morning I was challenged that I need to be honest with my emotions. Both honest to myself and to those around me, so here I go.

I’m really in a lot of pain…..and I almost feel guilty for always having sad things to talk about. I’m trying to focus on you (friends) so that I can have something else to think about or feel….but I do realize that sometimes I might get “me” focused, and I’m sorry. I do ALSO realize that there is a time for that, where I need to focus on healing & working through all the stuff that has been happening around me.

Most days, I really don’t want to hang out with anyone….because I just have to explain again what happened. And I need to, want to….kinda, but not all the time. So if I seem to not be calling for a while, know that it’s nothing against YOU, it’s more me. That said, I really do NEED to hang out & do some fun things where I don’t have to think about my pain. I need to see that there is life beyond this current state. Coerce me, bribe me, kidnap me, whatever you have to do to not let me just waste away….ask me more than once….I’ll probably cave in. 😉 If I don’t, then just pray for me.

Here are some of the thoughts that were given me today: “When you are suffering, you may sometimes tend to withdraw, pull back, and pull away,” says Anne Graham Lotz. “I do think there is a time for that, and each day you should spend time alone with the Lord. But don’t forsake other people, because other people can give you comfort and encouragement and help you keep your focus. Sometimes you can get so preoccupied with the problem that it consumes you. Other people can help give you a balance.”

God wants you to be truthful with yourself and with other people. He wants to free you from the debilitating effects of withdrawing and hiding your emotions. Jesus says in the book of John that “the truth will set you free.”

Love you.