Change from Sluggish

So….today, I’m sluggish. I watched tv almost straight through from yesterday at 1:30 to this morning at 9am. Yep, my mom asked me if I was in denial and my answer was “no, i’m just not wanting to do anything.” ….aka, yes. I KNOW that I cannot just sit here, but I really just want to try. There’s nothing that really interests me today, except my really good haggen daz carmelized pear & toasted pecan ice cream that’s alone in my freezer. I think literally, I could wear my pajamas until they fall off me….or I’m forced to take them off for the safety of the public.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”-John 16:33

I’m trying to remember this, but then another wave of blah comes closer & I have to remind myself what the heck i was trying to think about. oh yeah I say…hm, oh well.

Someday, maybe not today, I’ll change. This too will make me into a stronger person, right? Sure. Sometime maybe. Not today though.

There will be a day…!

My grandma’s life just got a lot better…it went into the beauty of eternity, a grace filled place that I have yet to discover personally. My God, has decided that he would like my spitfire of a grandma to visit Him and be reunited with my grandpa. What a wonderful knowledge I have, that someday she will be with me again, but what bittersweet peace this is today. Some of my favorite memories of my grandma were when she would wash my hair as a child…I’d cry because of my sensitive head, and she’d turn the brush over, bang the top of my head with it, and say “I’ll give you something to cry about!” This sounds really harsh I’m sure, but really it is so funny now to think about it. Another thing that I remember is when my cousin & I would sing at the dinner table. She would always tell us not to sing, but since our hearts were overflowing with music, we’d always get punished. She would lock the two of us in a broom closet about the size of 1’x1.5’…with no way out. This was horrible, until we figured out that we could sing in the closet as loud as we’d like and there wasn’t anything worse she could do to us! ha. A few summers ago, after my grandpa died, I moved in with her so that she would have someone around her to take care of her & keep her company. Early on in the summer, a thought came to mind that I should write notes to her that she would get when I was already gone for work. I would write a simple thought & verse for her everyday. One day, around lunch I got a phone call from my mom asking me why I hadn’t written a note that day. I had forgotten or been late, I can’t remember now, but until that point, my grandma had not said anything about those little notes….but that day, she told everyone in my family that I had forgotten…I didn’t know just how much that meant to her. She was always so sweet, happy, abundantly joyful & brimming with the Spirit of God. Her faith was consuming & contagious. She was witty, a smart-alek and a great story teller. A few years ago I began asking her questions about her life, who she was, what it was like growing up in the 40’s, what her family was like. I remember coming to visit one day and she had begun writing her story for me! She had about 12 pages handwritten notes about growing up on a farm, what her parents were like, all kinds of fun things to know about! She wrote it like a letter, it was one of the sweetest things she’d ever given me. After that, we’d talk about writing her story & we’d come up with questions all the time that I’d want to know…she’d always tell me something, even if she wasn’t always positive about what she remembered. Something I’ll always remember, was when she told me about meeting & falling in love with my grandpa. I asked her one day about when she knew she loved him. She answered “Well, I never really liked him!” I was shocked, utterly speechless. She went on to tell me that when he first asked her out, she really didn’t want to go, but decided it was either go out with Ray or stay home…she decided to go out. She continued this for a while, not really caring how much HE cared for HER. Then one day, she said they were at a party and all she wanted was for him to hold her hand. She said she almost went CRAZY because she wanted to hold his hand so bad. That was when she knew that she loved him. She was one of the strongest women I knew. Whenever something would go wrong, she would see it, acknowledge the pain or trouble and then move on. She was never one to linger too long on the bad. Although, she would always want to know what was troubling you and then make sure you understood that she thought whatever was happening was terrible! She’d always say in her own way “Well! Can you believe it?” And she’d give a shocked face & raise her hand before slapping the table. She was so cute. One of the sweetest & craziest grandma’s I’ve ever known….the only one I’ve ever known. I’m going to miss her like I don’t even know.

Finding–

So today, I being “thoughtful.” No, I don’t mean to be praising myself for being so nice to people around me, I’m probably being really bad at that today. But I mean I’m thinking about a lot of things. And when that happens, the smallest of those things can send me into a thought clear across the universe, with emotions that can feel out of this world. I was writing on Julie’s wall today, and I saw on “wall-to-wall” that I had laughed about how we knew each other. I couldn’t find where that information was, and so I thought….maybe if I search for her like a random friend search, it’ll say that! Well, when I tried to do that, it said there was no Julie Steiskal. I tried again, spelled it different, it wouldn’t let me find her. Even in MY friends, I couldn’t pull up her name! I got a little panicked….and yes, i still can’t find her that way, but I’m not panicked anymore.

So it got me thinking about searching for God. I really need Him now more than ever. Particularly today. Something is working in me, and I feel so close to the edge. You know when you’re driving on a road where the tar is about 6″ higher than the gravel curb, and when you get close to the edge you can feel your car being pulled over. You struggle to keep it on, and when you’re right on the edge it’s like “come on, come on…don’t go over.” Well, I feel like that. I feel like I’m right on the edge & I could go over, but I’m still holding on…by God’s grace, I’m still holding on.

God says “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13) I am trying to seek with my heart, but some days I don’t know how. “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” (Romans 8:26) This is what I’m trusting in….that the Spirit will take my unconscious prayers to the throne of God. “You said, ‘Woe to me! The LORD has added sorrow to my pain; I am worn out with groaning and find no rest.’ ” (Jeremiah 45:3) Sometimes this is how I think, and I don’t want to think this way, so I pray “May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you.” (Psalm 33:22)

Just a few things to search for…a renewed strength, a fresh mind, a conscious faith & passionate soul.

A Love-Hate Relationship

So again, I’m still pondering the big things that happen in our lives, why they happen & when the heck it will stop! I’ve had a great week….truly, honestly it was a hard week, but I can also say that it has brought me some peace & clarity to my other days that weren’t so great. I’m sure you’re wondering now too, what is this love-hate relationship that this post is titled after…well, it’s a love-hate relationship I have with death & dying. Odd eh? I know….you’ll come to accept me as I am. On one hand, death really sucks. It does! For those of us who have to endure the after effects of someone close dying, it’s something you don’t want to face, let alone feel. Jesus felt the pain of friends dying, listen to this: “When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ‘Where have you laid him?’ he asked. ‘Come and see, Lord,’ they replied. Jesus wept.” (John 11:32-35) I know he knows our pain, our tears & the heartache one feels when someone leaves us here… Also, on the same thought, death is so uncertain. “Isaac said, ‘I am now an old man and don’t know the day of my death.'” (Genesis 27:2) Part of me likes to think that God knows I’m having a hard time, and wouldn’t take my Grandma away right now, because it would basically kill me. But really, is that how death works? Can we control it? Can we find a “good time” for someone to die? Isaac knew this wasn’t true, and even Solomon did when he writes…”In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) We cannot know what God’s plan for us is…when we’ll die or how. Alright, onto the Love part…so this is why I love death: That is when we will be joined together with our Heavenly Father, to eternally praise & worship together as a family of Christ. We will walk alongside the river of life & bask in the light of God’s glory. We will taste the fruits that were unknown to us & rejoice in the blessings God had poured on us during this earthly life. We will experience something not known to man, something so beautiful it is beyond our comprehension! My Grandpa is there, my friend Julie is there, the siblings I’ve never met are there, I believe my other friends & family too shall be there. In a sick & rather twisted way, I know that my Grandma would like to be finished with this torment, the pain and agony of each day passing without holding onto my Grandpa’s hand…I do not want to be selfish & pray for her to stay here for me, because I know she’s in pain….and wants to go. So…it’s a love-hate relationship….while I hate the effects of death here on earth, I know that for those who have put their whole faith & trust in Christ Jesus as their Savior will rejoice the second they have departed us. For that, I say bring it on. (But Christ, I’m trusting in you to be there when it comes….for I will need you.)

Frustrations & Faith

I can’t speak, so I will let the thoughts in my head come out through the only truth I can grasp at this point. “Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would find out what he would answer me, and consider what he would say.”–Job 23 (excerpts)I’m doing this today….feeling like “God, what is going on here?” You know me, and you know I’m a fixer, a thinker, an analyzing maniac …..what am I supposed to be learning through this? There is hope, I know that…I don’t feel it right now, but I know there is….but where? What am I supposed to think, feel, grasp, say, etc.? “Lord, you have searched me and you know me….you perceive my thoughts from afar….you hem me in–behind and before; Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”–Psalm 139:1-10 (excerpts) This gives me hope in knowing that no matter how frustrating or far I feel that I’ve gone, how deep my despair, He is still with me…..if I don’t have words or emotions to express the way I feel or the things I’m thinking, He knows them & it’s okay. When I don’t even comprehend the thoughts & feelings flooding my eyes, He sees clearer than I ever will & understands.”Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:21Remembering the goodness of Christ, the grace He has given, gives me hope for tomorrow and peace for today. Despite the storms that rage against me, He alone is my rock & my salvation. With Him, what can come against me? Though I may stumble & fall, He will lift me up with his righteous right hand & guide me in the paths of righteousness. He will provide for me & comfort me. Say what you need to say